The Experiment....

So I am trying something new this week with my boys....a written schedule of afternoon activities. Times are laid out for when they can watch TV, play video games or on the computer. Times for chores (I am finally trying to implement some) and time for homework, dinner, and soccer practice (thankfully only twice a week). So far, the boys are doing VERY well with it. Me, it's taking some adjustments. I am not a "schedule" person...I like to do things more loosie-goosie. 

However, sometimes change can be good.....
On Monday-the older one mopped the living room and dining room, and took out both bathroom's trash, and the small one was taught/helped clean the upstairs sink and toilet. They each sat down and did a page in their Handwriting without Tears book-without complaining. Today was soccer practice, so I only made them put away their clothes, and do one more page in their handwriting books. Last night the younger one melted down when the no more TV/computer time came. But tonight, he was happy to pick out a board game to play!

And this is forcing me to do a couple of things. One, stop and spend more time with them, rather than flitting about checking things off my "to-do" list. And really isn't spending time with your kids the most important thing a parent can do? It's making me spend my time more wisely. I can't hop on facebook or check email multiple times a day, because I need to get things ready for them to do. And I know that I will have to stop at some point to help them work on their homework, help them complete their chores, and help them figure out how to entertain themselves when the electronics go off....and they can do the last part fine on a weekend day, just at that time of the night they are getting tired and don't want to put as much effort into it.  I am also helping to teach them life skills. Often I find it faster/easier to just do it all myself. Which this is very well true, they are only going to get more grumpy about doing chores as they get older. So working it into life now, will make that a bit better ( I am hoping) or at least, I am not trying to start something new with them when they are older.

So we shall see how this goes.....hopefully I can stick with it longer than a week. The older one is doing well with this as I type it up and print it out. So long as things are in writing it's not me "nagging" or "bossing" him around. I promise to update at some point and tell you if I have continued on ;)

So it has started....

This past week when the boy gets mad at me he tells me that he isn't going to be my son anymore. Just yesterday he told me that he was going to run away. He was going to pack up his important things and take a bus. Not sure to where, he didn't say and I am trying to not engage him in this.
  Yesterday it was because I tool the Wii away from him. He was getting frustrated, and I told him if he didn't calm down I would turn it off. Well he got mad at that idea and then pounded the remote into the couch! So I turned it off and took the remote from him because he wasn't treating it correctly. I never raised my voice or shamed him. Stayed calm and quiet the whole time ;) (score 10 bonus points for me; whomever keeps score of these things). 
  I sent him up to his room at the start of the meltdown to get his body under control. Told him that he could come back down when he was calmer. I am not sure if he went all the way upstairs...but the threat of packing and taking a bus followed shortly thereafter. I told him when he was ready I would love to cuddle him. He told me never that he wasn't my son, but was in my lap less than 1 a minute later.
  It's hard on my 3 (will be 4 in 10 days) year old son. He was worried that his brother was really leaving. And do I think the older one would be capable of doing it one day? Yep. Am I going to worry about it until then? Nope. I just reassured the little one that big bro was angry and he would calm down. The little one was sweet when I was pretending to threaten him with something tonight (and it was a good something, like tickling) he told me he would always be my son ;) God gave me that one for comic relief ;)

Anyone else with Sensational Kiddos been through this? Advice on how to handle? It's been a rough couple of weeks with a giant sleepover (we took care of friends' kids for 10 days while they chaperoned a band tour out of the country) and now we are on spring break and have been sight seeing, and the week in-between the boy's teacher was out to take care of some family needs. I am not sure if it's all of the "disruptions" or a phase or both. And he does NOT want me to brush him (the brushing therapy)! I am not sure how much to push and how much to let him figure out. The boy will be 7 in June.....

So it's okay, right?

So why does it still upset ME that the boy won't participate in things? He isn't upset by it at all? He told us yesterday and this morning that he was not going to hunt eggs. And he stayed true to his word. He did not hunt eggs. He knew that no one was going to share their candy with him and he was okay with that. He even helped his buddy get all of the candy from his eggs and never once asked for any. His buddy was kind enough to share.  After the egg hunt at church we went to Bass Pro Shops to let them blow off some steam and feed them before bringing them home. He wouldn't do the craft nor participate in this egg hunt either. The one there was even more calm-get a bag, find 5 eggs (all over the store) and trade empty eggs for a bag of candy. No crazy egg grabbing....no running..."no thanks," he said.

I am guessing there are 2 reasons why it upsets me. The first is I am sad that he doesn't have the same memories as I did as a child. I LOVED egg hunts and getting my picture with the Easter bunny (well once I was old enough to not be afraid of strangers ;)  I loved making crafts places and doing all of these things and I wanted to enjoy them with my kids too. And I should be thankful for the one that does like to do these things. And I am...just sad that it isn't both.

Which leads to the next reason. It is yet another glowing reminder that he is different. And not that different is less. It is just different, and some days that makes me sad.  And it is okay to mourn what I don't have, so long as I don't dwell on it and can celebrate the things we can do. For example. He attended the egg hunt without a meltdown.  I know for some families that would be a small miracle in and of itself. He very clearly stated that he didn't want to hunt eggs, and we did not force or try to coerce him into it.  He went from that "chaos" to Bass Pro Shops that was a little more chaotic and got even more so by the time we left. He didn't have to walk around with his hands over his ears all day. He didn't require any special sensory things. He wore his hoodie over his head to block some sounds and otherwise was pleasant to be with all day. He even told the waitress what he wanted and ate it when it came, which he picked out all by himself when he looked at the menu.

He is a dear sweet little boy and I love him so much. I pray that he doesn't even think my disappointment in situations is disappointment with him.

Life Lessons

So yesterday was a "rough day"...well more like a "rough event". Let me explain....My husband and I were preparing the house for friends to come and celebrate a fun Mardi Gras dinner with us. He was cooking and I was cleaning. Our oldest was content to play in the basement rumpus room as he does not like the sound of the vacuum, and the younger one joined him when he woke from his nap. Just before our friends were due to arrive, the boys came upstairs and spoke of what they were doing downstairs (I mistakenly thought they were playing with the Duplo blocks down there). I heard "and then the baby rode the trash can, and crashed through the window". Hmmmm???? There are a few dolls down there for the little girl I watch....trash can????? Windows??????  "Hey guys, you weren't playing with my dollhouses were you?" "Oh, sorry mom for breaking your dollhouses." quips the older one like it was nothing.  Well, it wasn't "nothing". :(

Here is some back story on the dollhouses so this makes more sense for the rest of you.  They are "cheap" put-together kits. Not necessarily designed to hold up to the F1 tornado created by my boys. They have not survived being moved twice that well. However, they were built by family friends who are no longer on this earth. AND they were my favorite "toy" when I was a girl, hence them still being around when I am well into my 30s. I hadn't decided their fate, as I have 2 boys, and likely not going to "try" for a girl. I had been thinking that I would share the furniture with friends' daughters when they were old enough, as they are toys and toys should be played with. Which is one of the reasons they are out where the kids can get at them. I don't mind them playing with them. I do mind them destroying them.  So back to that part of the story.

Immediately after the boy "apologized" I went down to survey the damage....they broke the stairs of one, and all of the windows (most are not fixable) and they broke the door off. They also broke the legs off a few pieces of furniture. I was immediately incensed! I screamed back up the stairs for them both to come down, which they did very hesitantly. I yelled at them about how upset I was and how disappointed I was in them, that they need to take better care of all things especially those things that are not theirs! I made them pick up the pieces off the floor and sent them to their beds. I resisted the urge to spank them, because at the point, I knew I was out of control emotionally, and that I would have been spanking them in anger, and probably wouldn't have hit them once or twice. I also resisted the urge to break something of theirs....somewhere I had the thought that this needed to be a "life lesson" not a "we got punished because mom was mad at us" lesson. And to whomever tallies these things I want bonus points for this!

Of course shortly after they were in their rooms our guests arrived, which forced me to calm down-probably a good thing. I went to their rooms and talked with them. I let them see me cry and how sad I was that they broke something of mine and that I was really disappointed in them. I told them that I would need to think about their consequence and talk it over with dad and let them know in the morning.

I chatted with my hubby last night and we decided that they would lose all of their legos, and magnetic blocks...they will have to earn them back by doing chores. I made them pick them all up and give them to me when they got up today. I think they are sad about it, but with so many other toys, do they notice? I hope so.

I am trying to find that  balance between getting them to feel the weight of their actions and making them feel like bad kids. How to teach them respect for other people's things....that is the life lesson for them here.  Not over-reacting and inflicting a "punishment", and actually teaching them their life lesson, is MY life lesson here.

Anyone know of a book about this?  My older one does well with books that speak to the subject.

Eureka!!!

So round about 5 pm the boys morph into crazed little wrestling monsters. They are always too rough, someone gets hurt, and then there is yelling involved (from me). Telling them to stop hasn't helped. Doesn't matter if they are or are not watching TV-and we are talking PBS, Dora, or Go Deigo, Go, relativity good TV.  The last 2 nights I have imposed "homework". I have required both boys to come into the "den" (I need a good name for this new room. It was a family room, but we moved the TV out and the computer in, and purchased a new 2 person desk. It is also open to the kitchen. But I digress...) I have given them each some theraputty to work with where the 3 year old has the easiest one and the 6 year old gets one of the harder ones (not black-blue or green). I have hidden some beads or beans in each that they get to find (and work on small motor strength) and then they do paper pencil things. The big one works with his Handwriting Without Tears book and the small one does things out of my preschool teacher books. They LOVE it, and they are much calmer when they are done. Sometimes I can cook/clean the kitchen while they are working, sometimes I can't. But it's a short time to use to get them calm. So, this will now be standard practice...and I hope to keep my sanity through the "witching hours" of 4:30-6:30....

A Bouncy House

I do hate the weeks "off" of OT, while it is much easier on the pocketbook; it makes for a child who bounces all over my furniture...not that we have the nicest of things, but still. And while I can deal with it most days, it also makes for a child who bounces off other people's furniture.  And a child who manages to hurt himself because with that SPD diagnosis is also a lack of  'grace', otherwise known as clumsiness. 

Now the good SPD momma would set up some sort of OT like things at home, and most days I do-but sometimes I get tired of doing it, and there is a mini trampoline in the basement-he didn't want to use today :(  Some days I want to sit on the couch when it snows and read a book, or take a nap. Of course those are the days I pay for it, in the form of a hyper sensory seeking child who ends up breaking something or hurting himself and me grumpy :( I also don't like rigid schedules, but thinking I need to get better about one for the time that he is home. Which is yet another reason that homeschooling doesn't appeal to me at this point. Let someone else set the schedule for him.

Torn

Deviating a bit from the norm. This post is about the younger one. The one who has no diagnosis, but has his own quirks.....The boy who will be 4 in 3 months and up until 4 days ago required a pacifier to fall asleep. Well, I guess I should say that he got a pacifier to fall asleep. I'm not quite sure he is doing okay without it. 

The part that has be so torn is that yes he is almost 4 and still uses a paci-aka a "sucky". I know that it may alter his bite in the orthodontia way. Yes, to my very well meaning family, I know that he needs to learn to self-soothe. I appreciate your concern, I really do. However, you aren't helping us, his parents, when your statements sound judgmental. 

He needs melatonin to fall asleep on a good night. Why are we taking away his other "crutch"? He has never been a good sleeper. He has a VERY hard time calming himself down when he gets upset. He's not likely going to go to Kindergarten with it so what is the big deal if he has it?  If he sucked his thumb he would do more damage, and it would be harder to break. We limit his time to just nap and bedtime.

And honestly, I am not looking for an answer here. I am not looking for people to tell me that I should give it to him until he's 23, or that I am a horrible mother who should have taken it away before he was a year old.  I guess I just need to get it all out to see where I stand. It isn't easy being his mom. And when you combine all of the different needs in my family is this something that really needs to be dealt with now?

I think that if he has another hard time without it, and asks for it. He will get it back and we will try again in a few months. He isn't hurting anyone else by having it and when I told him the paci-fairy could come and bring him a gift. He said that he would rather have the paci back.