Musings not related to SPD

So today I took the big boy to the grocery store with me. Really it's one of them super-center things, like a super Wal-Mart or Target, but not those stores.....I typically do all of my shopping during the week and usually in the mornings. I needed a few things so we ran together. This store has toys to amuse the boy...but I digress.....

This post is about another mom and her two sons. My son (the small one was at home napping with daddy) and I were in the ice cream aisle, to get ice cream. There was another mom and her two sons, dressed nicely, as if they had just left church. I would guess the boys to be about 2 and 4. Her younger one was in the cart, but kept trying to climb out. The older one had put some ice cream in the cart and she was telling him no. The boy got very upset and began screaming for the ice cream. Mom told him she wasn't getting "that" one, and that there was some in the cart already. She told him it was time to go, and began to walk away. He wouldn't follow her. He opened the door and got the ice cream back out. She tried this again, 2 more times.

At first my brain started judging....kid needs a good talking to, mom should just pick him up....and on....but then I stopped and really thought about it. I felt bad for the boy because at one point she said if you want that ice cream you need to tell daddy to get a better job :( My heart broke for both of them! And while I haven't thought my husband needs to get a better job, I have thought about a job needing to find my husband. I remembered those super scary months when no one in our house had income or employment. I can feel her pain.

And so I decided to take control of my thoughts and offer some compassion. My son and I were done getting our ice cream, and as I walked past her, and her screaming tot, I looked at her and said, "Been there, Done that-I hope that your day gets better after this!" And you know what? You could see her visibly relax ;) She smiled and said thank you. I don't know if the boy got the ice cream he wanted, but I did hear mom talking to him about why he didn't want the one she had. And maybe she just needed a little reassurance that it's okay that kids through a fit in the grocery store, they are kids after all. It was 98 degrees here today and it was about 2:00 in the afternoon...the kid was probably tired. I know that just having someone say that to me, when my kids are having a rough day (usually in church because they are supposed to be kinda still and kinda quiet) makes all the difference to me ;)

So I challenge all of us out there to extend a kind word to the next mom you see struggling in the grocery store or even just a smile. Her kid might not be undisciplined....they might be having a REALLY bad day....your kindness could be all that is needed to turn that around!

The Soccer Game-Guest Post by the Hubby

Greetings everyone, I am the husband to momma2boys and father to 2boys.  While momma2boys was home with a feverish number 2 son, I took number one son to his soccer game.  His performance compelled me to write.

He pariticipates in 'munchkin' soccer (ages 4-6) and has had a good year.  We have been happy that he goes after the ball instead of cowering or ambling about in a confused manner. He has having a generally good time and is getting better about managing himself when gets overstimulated in practice.  We keep him in soccer because he asks and seems to like it.  

Well, this past saturday was a defining moment for him.  His team, the orange team, was playing the blue team.  Both teams play with heart and spirit.  Both teams have mix of competitive children and ones who are just getting how the game works.  There is a young lady on the blue team, who I swear is the flash incarnate.  When she breaks away from the swarm of feet and the chasing of the ball...look out!  I repeat, this is not just wild hyper energy, this kid is really really fast.  I have a feeling she will be breaking hearts and track records in about ten years.  

Number one son had a great first half of defense.  He actually kicked the ball TO his teammates, and stayed involved in the game.  I was pleased as it was.  I remembered the days when the missus and I would be happy that he would kick the ball once.  Then, coach put him in as goalie.  Ordinarily in the past, he has been placed as goalie and the stronger kids as forwards.   Action would be at the other goal and he would be content to sit back and watch.  Well, today would be different.  

Indeed, action was centered at the opposite goal for a good while.  Then, out of the swarm, "the flash" broke free.  Hurtling down the field at breakneck speed, ball firmly in control, she had her sights set on our goal...and my boy...  It was one on one, flash vs the boy.  Faster and faster, and yet in slow motion the ball was destined for an easy goal.  She let loose on a firey kick to the goal, and then, suddenly, quick as a cat, he pounced and captured the ball with deft precision.  Cheers erupted from the orange faithful parents.  He did it!

He managed to stop a few more goals before he became over exuberant and got out of the goal box and was scored upon twice.  While he may not be destined for a sports career, or even the next level up from munchkin, he has come along way from the days where he would be engulfed in a hoodie, picking grass, and would not play without one of us on the field with him.

And, because of rain outs, the season is still young!  One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Celebrate the small victories, and who knows what's ahead. 

What will blogging about the boy do in the long run?

My son is highly sensitive to using "therapy tools" in school. As in he WON'T! No matter what I try or say, he won't use them at school because they make him "different". This makes me wonder just how he is going to react someday when he reads all of "THIS". You know my blog, my posts on the  SPD Blogger Network, my presentation for school teachers. All of the posts about him and what makes him different. I could talk to a stranger on a bus (not that I take the bus, but you get my point) about SPD to teach them about it, to make them aware. I will talk to anyone who will stand still long enough to hear about it, I can't believe I didn't know about it. I can't believe that no one that we came into contact with (doctors, school teachers, my own teacher training) had never heard of it.

 I wonder though how this will all affect him in the long run? Is he going to become an adult who despises the fact it's here on display? Will he appreciate the fact that I was trying to raise awareness? Or will he be upset and feel his privacy violated?

I don't have all of the answers? And I doubt I will stop because I know I have helped others, but I question...is it fair to do it at his expense? Does writing this violate his privacy? I am not profiting from this. Is harm being done? There is no malice. I guess I just wonder about all of this? With the viralness of the internet will a future employer use a "google-like" search engine and find this? If so, will it help or hurt him?

Thoughts to ponder......

The Experiment....

So I am trying something new this week with my boys....a written schedule of afternoon activities. Times are laid out for when they can watch TV, play video games or on the computer. Times for chores (I am finally trying to implement some) and time for homework, dinner, and soccer practice (thankfully only twice a week). So far, the boys are doing VERY well with it. Me, it's taking some adjustments. I am not a "schedule" person...I like to do things more loosie-goosie. 

However, sometimes change can be good.....
On Monday-the older one mopped the living room and dining room, and took out both bathroom's trash, and the small one was taught/helped clean the upstairs sink and toilet. They each sat down and did a page in their Handwriting without Tears book-without complaining. Today was soccer practice, so I only made them put away their clothes, and do one more page in their handwriting books. Last night the younger one melted down when the no more TV/computer time came. But tonight, he was happy to pick out a board game to play!

And this is forcing me to do a couple of things. One, stop and spend more time with them, rather than flitting about checking things off my "to-do" list. And really isn't spending time with your kids the most important thing a parent can do? It's making me spend my time more wisely. I can't hop on facebook or check email multiple times a day, because I need to get things ready for them to do. And I know that I will have to stop at some point to help them work on their homework, help them complete their chores, and help them figure out how to entertain themselves when the electronics go off....and they can do the last part fine on a weekend day, just at that time of the night they are getting tired and don't want to put as much effort into it.  I am also helping to teach them life skills. Often I find it faster/easier to just do it all myself. Which this is very well true, they are only going to get more grumpy about doing chores as they get older. So working it into life now, will make that a bit better ( I am hoping) or at least, I am not trying to start something new with them when they are older.

So we shall see how this goes.....hopefully I can stick with it longer than a week. The older one is doing well with this as I type it up and print it out. So long as things are in writing it's not me "nagging" or "bossing" him around. I promise to update at some point and tell you if I have continued on ;)

So it has started....

This past week when the boy gets mad at me he tells me that he isn't going to be my son anymore. Just yesterday he told me that he was going to run away. He was going to pack up his important things and take a bus. Not sure to where, he didn't say and I am trying to not engage him in this.
  Yesterday it was because I tool the Wii away from him. He was getting frustrated, and I told him if he didn't calm down I would turn it off. Well he got mad at that idea and then pounded the remote into the couch! So I turned it off and took the remote from him because he wasn't treating it correctly. I never raised my voice or shamed him. Stayed calm and quiet the whole time ;) (score 10 bonus points for me; whomever keeps score of these things). 
  I sent him up to his room at the start of the meltdown to get his body under control. Told him that he could come back down when he was calmer. I am not sure if he went all the way upstairs...but the threat of packing and taking a bus followed shortly thereafter. I told him when he was ready I would love to cuddle him. He told me never that he wasn't my son, but was in my lap less than 1 a minute later.
  It's hard on my 3 (will be 4 in 10 days) year old son. He was worried that his brother was really leaving. And do I think the older one would be capable of doing it one day? Yep. Am I going to worry about it until then? Nope. I just reassured the little one that big bro was angry and he would calm down. The little one was sweet when I was pretending to threaten him with something tonight (and it was a good something, like tickling) he told me he would always be my son ;) God gave me that one for comic relief ;)

Anyone else with Sensational Kiddos been through this? Advice on how to handle? It's been a rough couple of weeks with a giant sleepover (we took care of friends' kids for 10 days while they chaperoned a band tour out of the country) and now we are on spring break and have been sight seeing, and the week in-between the boy's teacher was out to take care of some family needs. I am not sure if it's all of the "disruptions" or a phase or both. And he does NOT want me to brush him (the brushing therapy)! I am not sure how much to push and how much to let him figure out. The boy will be 7 in June.....

So it's okay, right?

So why does it still upset ME that the boy won't participate in things? He isn't upset by it at all? He told us yesterday and this morning that he was not going to hunt eggs. And he stayed true to his word. He did not hunt eggs. He knew that no one was going to share their candy with him and he was okay with that. He even helped his buddy get all of the candy from his eggs and never once asked for any. His buddy was kind enough to share.  After the egg hunt at church we went to Bass Pro Shops to let them blow off some steam and feed them before bringing them home. He wouldn't do the craft nor participate in this egg hunt either. The one there was even more calm-get a bag, find 5 eggs (all over the store) and trade empty eggs for a bag of candy. No crazy egg grabbing....no running..."no thanks," he said.

I am guessing there are 2 reasons why it upsets me. The first is I am sad that he doesn't have the same memories as I did as a child. I LOVED egg hunts and getting my picture with the Easter bunny (well once I was old enough to not be afraid of strangers ;)  I loved making crafts places and doing all of these things and I wanted to enjoy them with my kids too. And I should be thankful for the one that does like to do these things. And I am...just sad that it isn't both.

Which leads to the next reason. It is yet another glowing reminder that he is different. And not that different is less. It is just different, and some days that makes me sad.  And it is okay to mourn what I don't have, so long as I don't dwell on it and can celebrate the things we can do. For example. He attended the egg hunt without a meltdown.  I know for some families that would be a small miracle in and of itself. He very clearly stated that he didn't want to hunt eggs, and we did not force or try to coerce him into it.  He went from that "chaos" to Bass Pro Shops that was a little more chaotic and got even more so by the time we left. He didn't have to walk around with his hands over his ears all day. He didn't require any special sensory things. He wore his hoodie over his head to block some sounds and otherwise was pleasant to be with all day. He even told the waitress what he wanted and ate it when it came, which he picked out all by himself when he looked at the menu.

He is a dear sweet little boy and I love him so much. I pray that he doesn't even think my disappointment in situations is disappointment with him.

Life Lessons

So yesterday was a "rough day"...well more like a "rough event". Let me explain....My husband and I were preparing the house for friends to come and celebrate a fun Mardi Gras dinner with us. He was cooking and I was cleaning. Our oldest was content to play in the basement rumpus room as he does not like the sound of the vacuum, and the younger one joined him when he woke from his nap. Just before our friends were due to arrive, the boys came upstairs and spoke of what they were doing downstairs (I mistakenly thought they were playing with the Duplo blocks down there). I heard "and then the baby rode the trash can, and crashed through the window". Hmmmm???? There are a few dolls down there for the little girl I watch....trash can????? Windows??????  "Hey guys, you weren't playing with my dollhouses were you?" "Oh, sorry mom for breaking your dollhouses." quips the older one like it was nothing.  Well, it wasn't "nothing". :(

Here is some back story on the dollhouses so this makes more sense for the rest of you.  They are "cheap" put-together kits. Not necessarily designed to hold up to the F1 tornado created by my boys. They have not survived being moved twice that well. However, they were built by family friends who are no longer on this earth. AND they were my favorite "toy" when I was a girl, hence them still being around when I am well into my 30s. I hadn't decided their fate, as I have 2 boys, and likely not going to "try" for a girl. I had been thinking that I would share the furniture with friends' daughters when they were old enough, as they are toys and toys should be played with. Which is one of the reasons they are out where the kids can get at them. I don't mind them playing with them. I do mind them destroying them.  So back to that part of the story.

Immediately after the boy "apologized" I went down to survey the damage....they broke the stairs of one, and all of the windows (most are not fixable) and they broke the door off. They also broke the legs off a few pieces of furniture. I was immediately incensed! I screamed back up the stairs for them both to come down, which they did very hesitantly. I yelled at them about how upset I was and how disappointed I was in them, that they need to take better care of all things especially those things that are not theirs! I made them pick up the pieces off the floor and sent them to their beds. I resisted the urge to spank them, because at the point, I knew I was out of control emotionally, and that I would have been spanking them in anger, and probably wouldn't have hit them once or twice. I also resisted the urge to break something of theirs....somewhere I had the thought that this needed to be a "life lesson" not a "we got punished because mom was mad at us" lesson. And to whomever tallies these things I want bonus points for this!

Of course shortly after they were in their rooms our guests arrived, which forced me to calm down-probably a good thing. I went to their rooms and talked with them. I let them see me cry and how sad I was that they broke something of mine and that I was really disappointed in them. I told them that I would need to think about their consequence and talk it over with dad and let them know in the morning.

I chatted with my hubby last night and we decided that they would lose all of their legos, and magnetic blocks...they will have to earn them back by doing chores. I made them pick them all up and give them to me when they got up today. I think they are sad about it, but with so many other toys, do they notice? I hope so.

I am trying to find that  balance between getting them to feel the weight of their actions and making them feel like bad kids. How to teach them respect for other people's things....that is the life lesson for them here.  Not over-reacting and inflicting a "punishment", and actually teaching them their life lesson, is MY life lesson here.

Anyone know of a book about this?  My older one does well with books that speak to the subject.